Alternate Universe for: September 26th 2000 C.E.

 

Iron Chef of Gryrnu
The script used for the comic version, as taken from the Unicorn Jelly Forum

 

"Tell me what you eat and I'll tell you who you are". --Brillat-Savarin 

 

Fukui-san: "Five years ago, a man's fantasy became reality in a forum never seen before - a giant cooking arena. The Kitchen Stadium. The motivation for spending his fortune to create Kitchen Stadium was to encounter new original cuisines which could be called true artistic creations."

 

Kaga: "ALLEZ CUISINE!" 

 

Fukui-san: "To realize his dream, he first secretly started selecting the top chefs of various styles of cooking. And he named his men the Iron Chefs - the invincible men of culinary skill. Iron Chef Japanese is Masaharu Morimoto. Iron Chef French is Hiroyuki Sakai. Iron Chef Chinese is Chen Kenichi. And Masahiko Kobe is Iron Chef Italian."

 

Fukui-san: "The Kitchen Stadium is the arena where Iron Chefs await the challenges of Master Chefs from around the world. Both the Iron Chef and challenger have one hour to tackle the theme ingredient of the day. Using all their senses, skills, creativity, they're to prepare artistic dishes never tasted before. And if ever a challenger wins over the Iron Chef, he or she will gain the people's ovation and fame will meet the Master Chefs from around the world and their artistic creations. What inspiration will today's challenger bring, and how will the Iron Chef fight back? The heat will be on!"

 

Kaga: "If memory serves me right, I have eaten virtually everything this plane of existence has to offer. From Salmon Sushi to Lobster with Dollar Bill hats. Today, we shall have something different. Today, we shall reach the farthest corners of dimensional space. Todays battle, is a battle beyond the stars."

 

Texto Porfiria: "What will I bring to Kaga's Kitchen Stadium? I'd tell you. But then I would have to kill you. [All laugh] No really, I would."

 

Kaga: "Today's challenger: One half of the wonderous 'Caterers of Calumni.' He started cooking at an early age, taking on a partner, one Zuzux Uzbochs, and starting a business together, working their way through small catered affairs, to large parties, to eventually, governmental functions.

 

[Kaga walks up to Texto] 

 

Kaga: "Your dishes are among Gryrnu's most sought after plates, indeed, people have been rumoured to die happy after having one of their dishes. If I shall die tonight, it will be with a happy taste in my mouth."

 

[Texto laughs] 

 

Kaga: "And so, the Iron Chefs - choose one, please." 

 

[The Iron Chefs appear on their podiums - Iron Chef French Sakai holds his pear, Iron Chef Morimoto stands proudly, Iron Chef Chinese Chen is nowhere to be seen]

 

Texto: "I'm so sorry to hear that Iron Chef Chen has been ill the last few weeks. Had we battled together, I'm almost sure he would have won against me. However...I choose YOU! Iron Chef Morimoto!"

 

Fukui: "It's Morimoto! Gone to the United States in 1985, he started his own business there making what he likes to call Japanese food, while traditionalists frown on his techniques."

 

Kaga: "If memory serves me right, today's theme ingredient is regarded as a delicacy on your world, while almost never used on our world. Supposedly it has a taste not unlike fine game hens or squirrel. Today's theme ingredient?! [Overloud music for an over loud flourish...war drums beat] Rat."

 

[Morimoto is horrified. Texto smiles lightly. A loud gong is heard] 

 

Kaga: "ALLEZ CUISINE!"

 

 

 

CHALLENGER 

TEXTO 

PORFIRIA 

 

VS 

 

IRON CHEF 

MASAHARU 

MORIMOTO 

 

 

RAT BATTLE 

 

FUKUI-SAN: "Well, the gong has sounded, but it doens't look like Morimoto is wanting to go get the fine gourmet rats we've provided straight from the Rat Breeding Centers of Urbana, Illinois. While Texto is graciously gliding up and picking his rats, it seems Morimoto is consulting with one of our producers backstage."

 

HATTORI: "Yes, Texto reminds me of one of those Gregorian dancers" 

 

FUKUI-SAN: "I'll tell you who isn't a dancer at all, and that's Morimoto. Seems that the producer has literally shoved him back into match. And, maybe I'm just seeing things here, but is Morimoto crying?"

 

HATTORI: "I think that's the Garlic." 

 

FUKUI-SAN: "So I see. It seems that Texto has already started cutting up garlic for his first dish. Wow, look at him slice up that rat!"

 

HATTORI: "It sure doesn't look like Morimoto is enjoying his work...he barely even wants to touch those rats...but he's picked up several prime ones...looks as if he's going for four rat dishes while Texto has enough to feed a small ark ship or two."

 

FUKUI-SAN: "Not to mention that Texto has decided to bring many of his own ingredients."

 

LYNN MINMEI: "I'm looking forward to trying that 'Vlax!' ::giggle::" 

 

FUKUI-SAN: "How rude of me! In the opening melodrama, I forgot to mention our guest today, hawking her new album 'Robotech PErfect Collection,' Lynn Minmei!"

 

MINMEI: "Thank you, I love you all!" 

 

HATTORI: "I feel it prudent that we should mention that this is the AMERICAN Lynn Minmei, and not our dear Mari Iijima."

 

FUKUI-SAN: "How true, how true!" 

 

OHTA: "FUKUI-SAN! FUKUI-SAN!" 

 

FUKUI-SAN: "Go big boy!" 

 

OHTA: "Well, I've talked it over with the Iron Chef, and he's managed to shake off the heebie jeebies he got earlier and is going to try some simple dishes for the meat he's never tried!"

 

FUKUI-SAN: "I have to admit, I'm a bit perplexed as to Kaga's choice of ingredient today."

 

HATTORI: "According to Texto, it's pretty much all they eat these days in their universe."

 

OHTA: "FUKUI-SAN! FUKUI-SAN!" 

 

FUKUI-SAN: "OHTA - GO!" 

 

OHTA: "I talked to Challenger Texto, and he's told me he's up for four dishes, including some with slig pork, vlax and two special ingredients he said were freshly 'processed' from home!"

 

FUKUI-SAN: "Freshly processed, eh? I wonder what that means!" 

 

HATTORI: "I wonder myself." 

 

MINMEI: "Oooh, something from the Iron Chef's side smells good!" 

 

FUKUI-SAN: "Milk, 2 eggs, salt pepper and deep frying corn oil? Is he trying Chicken Fried Rat?"

 

HATTORI: "Seems he's just trying to make dishes that convey the taste of rat, while masking them in recipes we all know and love. Looks like Japanese cuisine MIGHT be out the window."

 

FUKUI-SAN: "Frankly, I don't blame him one bit!" 

 

FUKUI-SAN: "Looks like our challenger has decided on slicing up the thigh meat from the rat into thin strips and is simply boiling them in water, with some garlic and very small...well...somethings."

 

MINMEI: "They look like sesame seeds!" 

 

HATTORI: "Well, for once I'm in the dark! These Gryrnu spices have me confounded. I need a drink."

 

FUKUI-SAN: "Actually it looks like he's made a sweet sauce to dip those srtips in, any ideas?"

 

OHTA: "FUKUI-SAN! FUKUI-SAN!" 

 

FUKUI: "Take it, Ohta!" 

 

OHTA: "I asked the Challenger what his spices tastes like and he mentioned that it's similar to our sesame sauce, gave me a taste, and it's great!"

 

HATTORI: "Going for some sort of sweet and sour rat strips!" 

 

OHTA: "He says it's a favorite of one of his commanders and is naming it 'General Pho's Rat.'"

 

[COLLECTIVE GROAN FROM AUDIENCE READING FORUM] 

 

 

FIFTEEN MINUTES HAVE ELAPSED 

 

 

GENRYU: "I'm right here, you know....anyone? Plug my album?

 

 

 

FUKUI-SAN: Ladies and gentlemen, I've just been handed a note from Japanese Lower House Member Shinchiro Kurimoto, expressing his displeasure at having to eat today's theme ingredient. He has mentioned that he will most likely give low marks all around if forced to eat today's dishes.

 

FUKUI-SAN: Oooh, it seems our challenger has apples and is throwing them into the air! Look at the mastery of that knife chopping the apple to pieces before it even hits the ground!

 

HATTORI: I don't blame Kurimoto-san one bit. Frankly, I'd give low scores to Texto simply for having recipes for Rat.

 

FUKUI-SAN: Another apple in the air, and, OH MY! Texto has fumbled the knife narrowly missing Hattori by millimeters! What a coincidence!

 

HATTORI: I need a drink. 

 

OHTA: FUKUI-SAN! FUKUI-SAN! 

 

FUKUI-SAN: Ohta, Go! 

 

OHTA: The challenger apologizes profusely to Master Hattori, and will offer an apologetic drink made especially for him from some sort of jellied extract, if he'll accept.

 

HATTORI: Apology accepted but, no, thanks. 

 

FUKUI-SAN: The Challenger today being very gracious and 

 

HATTORI: !OW! 

 

FUKUI-SAN: Hattori? 

 

HATTORI: He threw an apple piece at me! 

 

FUKUI-SAN: Ah, the life of a frantic chef, getting scraps EVERYWHERE! Is that a rat in the rotisserie he's got there?

 

GENRYU: It's a very nice album. I worked very hard on it. 

 

FUKUI-SAN: It looks like the second dish for the Challenger is shaping up! He's got one of his "special" meats it seems and is sprinkling some black seends or chives on it.

 

MINMEI: Ooooh, chives! ::giggle:: 

 

FUKUI-SAN: You like chives, Miss Minmei? 

 

MINMEI: Oh, very much! I wrote a song about chives. Want to hear it? 

 

FUKUI-SAN: Why sure, as we all know, Iron Chef is a great place to display your talents! 

 

GENRYU: A duet maybe? 

 

MINMEI: No. 

 

MINMEI: I call this one, "My Boyfriend's a Pilot!" o/' STAGEFRIGHT! GO 'WAY! THIS IS MY BIG DAY! THIS IS MY TIME TO BE A STAR! o/'

 

OHTA: FUKUI-SAN! FUKUI-SAN! 

 

MINMEI: I didn't even get to the chives part! 

 

FUKUI-SAN: Dig it, Ohta! 

 

OHTA: What? 

 

FUKUI-SAN: OHTA, GO! 

 

OHTA: After talking with the Challenger, I found out that this is a dish from a recently deceased contemporary of his, updated to use a new kind of stuffing. It's a rotisseried rat, stuffed with a special stuffing of pine nuts, rice, apples and ground bits of a meat he brought with him called "Baruz."

 

FUKUI-SAN: Honoring a longtime friend,perhaps? 

 

MINMEI: "Baruz" meat, how exotic! I wonder if I could write a song about that! 

 

HATTORI: What were those black chive things in the stuffing? 

 

OHTA: Ants, I believe. 

 

FUKUI-SAN: Ants. How...interesting. 

 

HATTORI: I NEED THAT DRINK NOW, PEOPLE! 

 

MINMEI: Oh, I've had that before! 

 

FUKUI-SAN: Ants? 

 

MINMEI: ::giggle:: No, silly, the Iron chef is making Carne Guisada! My friends grandmother made it for us all the time!

 

HATTORI: It does seem that that is what Morimoto is making. Seems Japanese cuisine is completely out of the picture. Almost as if the author of this piece doesn't know anything about Japanese cuisine other than Sushi.

 

FUKUI-SAN: He certainly is leaving the realm of Japanese dishes far behind us as he chops up that rat into little cubed pieces and dices that onion. My god, how many spices does he have there?

 

HATTORI: Looks to me like diced bell pepper, diced onion, diced tomatoes, garlic, salt, pepper and cumin.

 

FUKUI-SAN: Cumin? 

 

HATTORI: I'm guessing that the Iron Chef is hoping that the cumin will overpower any taste of the rat. While the rules of the battle state the chefs should "covey" the taste of the theme ingredient, I have a feeling I won't be the only one hoping someone, somewhere will bend this rule.

 

OHTA: FUKUI-SAN! FUKUI-SAN 

 

FUKUI-SAN: Yo, yo, yo, my dawg! 

 

OHTA: The Iron Chef is definately preparing a Carne Guisada "beef stew" with rat beef, and is not only hoping the cumin and onions will overpower the rat, but wishes to apologize profusely to the tasters. The producers are pretty much forcing him to finish the battle, and will honorably commit seppuku if any one of you dies from one his dishes.

 

FUKUI-SAN: Strong Words from the Iron Chef. 

 

MINMEI: Oooh, look at that roasted rat! ::giggle:: 

 

HATTORI: Maybe it's the rice wine I'm using to try and blur my whole experience of a Rat Battle, but that actually smells pretty good. Can't tell if it's the rat, or that Baruz meat.

 

FUKUI-SAN: Any ideas on what "Baruz" meat is? 

 

HATTORI: Well, lets see, we have rat and ants...who knows what it is. They have ferrets over there?

 

MINMEI: Ferret meat? Oh, the poor ferrets! 

 

HATTORI: I have no idea...don't want one...another sake please. I still have the picture of those rats in my head!

 

FUKUI-SAN: Rat the theme ingredient of today's battle, and it looks like Texto's Baruz stuffed rice in Rat is ready!

 

HATTORI: Morimoto's range has gone from Southern Americana to Mexican with this mexican beef stew. Maybe he should be Iron Chef International!

 

FUKUI-SAN: OHTA! GO! 

 

OHTA: The Iron Chef heard...wait...I didn't... 

 

FUKUI-SAN: GO! 

 

OHTA: Oh....The Iron Chef heard your comment and if he wins this battle wants to be known as "Iron Chef Internaciónal!"

 

THIRTY MINUTES HAVE ELAPSED 

 

GENRYU: Wait a sec...that was no where near thirty minutes...that last segment was only ten and...hey...someone edited this thing...what's going on here?

 

GENRYU: And what kind of name is "My Boyfriend's a Pilot" anyways.

 

 

YUKI: Oi, look! He's actually doing something Japanese with the rat! 

 

GENRYU: Oh, what's he doing! 

 

YUKI: It looks like tonkatsu! Rat tonkatsu? [Yuki pauses and blinks, scratching her head about that.] I wonder what you'd call it then, nezkatsu? Tonzumi?

 

MINMEI: Ooo! Tonkatsu is one of my favourites! 

 

GENRYU: I think he's trying to cover the flavour of rat with the sauce it's served with.... 

 

YUKI: Well, after hanging around cats for several years, I can say that rat doesn't taste that bad.

 

MINMEI: What does it taste like, Miss Yuki? 

 

YUKI: Kinda' like beef, but sweeter. 

 

GENRYU: Yuki, you're scaring me. 

 

MINMEI: I wonder if I can find someone to write a song about ratkatsu with me? 

 

GENRYU: I'll sing it with you...?

 

 

FUKUI-SAN: Rat the Theme ingredient for todays dishes. We have two dishes from our challenger, and, Morimoto showing his skill at masquerading the taste of Rat has done three!

 

HATTORI: Definately showing his skills here, despite the entree. 

 

FUKUI-SAN: We're here with the Darling of American Anime, Lynn Minmei 

 

MINMEI: Hello! I love you all! 

 

FUKUI-SAN: And some guy named Genryu. 

 

GENRYU: Myalbumisonsaleandyoucangetitatanyfinemusicstoreinthecountryand-- 

 

MINMEI: What's the Iron Chef doing? Curry blocks? 

 

HATTORI: Looks like he's using block curry nistead of curry paste...how strange! 

 

FUKUI-SAN: He's been boiling some of that rat meat for a good while now in a seperate pan he used for the guisada. What do you think he's doing?

 

HATTORI: Well, I'm not really so sure but...woah, look at him go! 

 

FUKUI-SAN: Iron Chef is trying to show up Texto's chopped apples by shredding that onion into pieces!

 

MINMEI: Such fine knife work! Such wonderful hands! ::giggle:: 

 

HATTORI: Well, with that whole onion and the curry blocks, it looks like he's going to make some kind of Rat Briyani, continuing with his international theme. Not to mention his overpower-the-rat theme!

 

FUKUI-SAN: And now Texto's come over to watch this display, as Morimoto just flies with the knife over carrots, celery and bell peppers! Look at him go!

 

OHTA: FUKUI-SAN! FUKUI-SAN! 

 

FUKUI-SAN: Lay it on me! 

 

OHTA: The challenger's never seen that kind of knife work, and has mentioned he'd love to use it in his line of work.

 

HATTORI: ::hic:: It seems the Iron Chef is making some kind of Briyani or Vindaloo. You see any potatoes? Cause if you do, it's Vindaloo. It's gonna cover up that rat pretty good. ::hic:: Oh, god...the rats....the rats.........

 

MINMEI: NO, I don't see any potatoes at all. I have a song about potatoes, you know. 

 

FUKUI-SAN: It's definately something Indian, as the Iron Chef has broken out the Basmati rice and is working it through the rice cooker.

 

HATTORI: That's ghee he's melting in the sautee pan. Briyani, definately...rat...briyani....::cries::

 

FUKUI-SAN: Definately not envying the tasters this week at all. 

 

HATTORI: I mean...really...it's...RAT! ::sob:: 

 

GENRYU: Guys, come on - we get the idea. Look, Texto's working on rice... 

 

FUKUI-SAN: Is the challenger working on sticky rice over there? 

 

GENRYU: ::sigh:: 

 

HATTORI: ::sob:: Sure...why not. 

 

MINMEI: It looks like he's making Rat Sushi over there. 

 

FUKUI-SAN: Would that be rat sashimi? 

 

HATTORI: DRINK! 'NOTHER DRINK OVER HERE! 

 

MINMEI: He's defiantely making Rat Sashimi. 

 

FUKUI-SAN: Definately going to convey the true flavor of pure rat in this case. 

 

HATTORI: I give up. 

 

GENRYU: Dude, its not like you're going to eat this stuff...you don't get any of this you know....

 

HATTORI: Such a horrible sight here.... 

 

FUKUI-SAN: In the Royal Box today we have... 

 

OHTA: FUKUI-SAN! FUKUI-SAN! 

 

FUKUI-SAN: Ohta, Transform and Roll Out! 

 

OHTA: I've just come back from the producers, and it sems Iron Chef Chinese Chen Kenichi has made it into the studio with an important message for us all.

 

FUKUI-SAN: I wonder what he has to say. 

 

HATTORI: ::hic:: I heard he slipped and fell at home, broke nearly every bone in his body and was laid up with enough pain killers to kill a rat.

 

FUKUI-SAN He's managed to stumble out on the floor of Kitchen Stadium, and he's not looking good.

 

HATTORI: He looks bad...are you sure he got all that in a fall? 

 

MINMEI: It looks like he's been beaten! 

 

FUKUI-SAN: He's mumbling something...not sure what it is, and he's yelling it to the Royal Box, where invited guests are sitting.

 

GENRYU: Looks like lots of people from Gryrnu...they all dress so wierdly. 

 

FUKUI-SAN: Ooh, and it apears somethign has fallen from Zuzux'es cloak and hit Chen on the head. He's out, it seems. Out cold.

 

HATTORI: With all the pain killers in him, I'm pretty sure he didn't feel a thing. 

 

OHTA: FUKUI-SAN! FUKUI-SAN! 

 

FUKUI-SAN: Go go Power Ohta! 

 

OHTA: The Iron Chef was babbling something about "Baruz is made from people!" 

 

FUKUI-SAN: Those painkillers are really getting to him, aren't they? 

 

HATTORI: ::hic:: I wrote a shong about painkillersh, wanna hear? ::hic:: 

 

FUKUI-SAN: Maybe you should lay off those sakes. 

 

HATTORI: o/' STAGEFRIGHT! GO 'WAY! THIS IS MY BIG DAY! THIS IS MY TIME TO BE A STAR! o/'

 

MINMEI: Hey! I want royalties for that! 

 

FORTY FIVE MINUTES HAVE ELAPSED 

 

GENRYU: I wonder if I'd get better exposure on Space Ghost....

 

 

MINMEI: No, seriously, I want royalites! That's ten bucks for warbling it... 

 

FUKUI-SAN: Iron Chef Morimoto now going to the pot of chopped and cubed rat he's been working on...been boiling there for the last forty five minutes.

 

HATTORI: Should be naish and chewy about ::hic:: now. 

 

FUKUI-SAN: He's looking it over, I guess he's run out of ideas for the final dish. 

 

HATTORI: I ::hic:: guess there'sh only sho mush you can do without...without...without tashting the theme ingredient.

 

FUKUI-SAN: How true, how true... What's this? Morimoto is sitting on the floor, head in his hands. He's down. He's racked his brain. There's nothing more to do!

 

HATTORI: I ain't eatin that shhhhhh...that shhhh..... 

 

MINMEI: IRON CHEF HIROYUKI SAKAI! 

 

FUKUI-SAN: Iron Chef French has run out to talk some sense into Iron Chef Japanese! I'd kill to be a fly on the wall down there!

 

OHTA: FUKUI-SAN! FUKUI-SAN! 

 

FUKUI-SAN: OHTA OHTA! 

 

OHTA: I just.... 

 

FUKUI-SAN: BO BOHTA, BO NANA NANA FO FOHTA! 

 

OHTA: Well, I.... 

 

FUKUI-SAN: FEE FIE MO MOHTA! 

 

OHTA: ... 

 

OHTA: ... 

 

OHTA: I just.... 

 

FUKUI-SAN: OHTA! 

 

OHTA: ... 

 

OHTA: ... 

 

OHTA: I just... 

 

OHTA: I've overheard the two Iron Chef's talking and Sakai was doing his best to get the Morimoto pumped and inspired for at least one more new dish. But, he said that in order to do ONE LAST DISH, he should at least taste the rat meat to get an idea what to make!

 

HATTORI: o/`Stagefright Stagefright Bo Bagefright Bonananana Fo Fagefright o/` 

 

MINMEI: I think I'll take over the Color Commentary...he's not going to pay me the $10 anyway.

 

FUKUI-SAN: It looks to me like the Iron Chef will have to at least TRY the meat once instead of trying to bury it.

 

MINMEI: I wonder what he'll make. 

 

FUKUI-SAN: I don't know, but it looks like the Challenger Texto Porfiria is working on a dessert of all things!

 

MINMEI: Rat for dessert? Wow...even I'll admit that's a little silly. 

 

FUKUI-SAN: It looks like he's pulled out another Gryrnu ingredient for this one. It looks so exotic. So mysterious.

 

MINMEI: So fluffy and thick...I don't think there's anything on earth like it. It seems to be. 

 

GENRYU: Cool whip. It's cool whip, people. 

 

OHTA: FUKUI-SAN! FUKUI-SAN! 

 

FUKUI-SAN: GO! 

 

OHTA: ... 

 

OHTA: ... 

 

FUKUI-SAN: GO, OHTA! 

 

OHTA: Oh, you're not going to... 

 

FUKUI-SAN: GO! 

 

OHTA: The challenger called me over to show me the Gryrnu creme, and it is indeed some sort of heavy whipped sweet cream. Texto calls it "Creme de Jellese."

 

MINMEI: Ooh, how exotic! ::giggle:: 

 

HATTORI: ::hic:: 

 

FUKUI-SAN: He's taken a nice chunk of breast meat from the rats and is soaking it in sugar water. Is he MASSAGING the meat in the syrup?

 

MINMEI: I think he's trying to do a quick marinate...tyring to get the sugar into the meat by massaging it.

 

FUKUI-SAN: Must be a pretty porous meat to do that. 

 

HATTORI: Iron Chef...look...at...Morimo....::hic:: 

 

FUKUI-SAN: Morimoto has a pieces of the rat meat he's put aside and been boiling for his dishes...and is he going to do it?

 

GENRYU: He's sure doesn't look happy trying to...oh...he's.... 

 

HATTORI: OH, MY, GOD. HE ATE IT. I... 

 

GENRYU: Hattori passed out! Must have been the shock. 

 

MINMEI: Hattori, get your hand off my thigh. 

 

FUKUI-SAN: The IRon Chef...is...smiling! 

 

GENRYU: Yuki did say it tasted sweet. 

 

MINMEI: He's not only liking it, he's having another! 

 

FUKUI-SAN: And he's having an idea! The assitants are scouring Kitchen Stadium for... 

 

GENRYU: Cocoa? 

 

MINMEI: Cocoa? 

 

FUKUI-SAN: Cocoa? 

 

OHTA: FUKUI-SAN! FUKUI-SAN! 

 

FUKUI-SAN: Go! 

 

OHTA: It is indeed cocoa. 

 

FUKUI-SAN: Well it's.... 

 

OHTA: I'm not finished. Really. The nerve. 

 

OHTA: I've asked the Iron Chef to decribe the taste of the meat, and, Yuki was indeed right, the rat is a semi-sweet meat that tastes so close to Mishima Beef, that he's going to crib a recipe from Challenger Kobayashi and try a dessert with it!

 

FUKUI-SAN: Wow! A dessert with rat! How.... 

 

OHTA: ::AHEM:: 

 

FUKUI-SAN: Yes, Ohta? 

 

OHTA: Fukui Fukui Bo Bukui Bonananana Fo Ukui Fee Fie Mo Mukui. FUKUI! 

 

MINMEI: Two rat desserts for the tasters! I'm looking forward to this! 

 

FUKUI-SAN: Looks like Texto's fried up the meat and sugar solution and has added a bt of the Creme de Jellese on top...and he's finished! A Grilled Sticky Rat! It's astounding, it's amazing and we still have five minute remaining!

 

FUKUI-SAN: Morimoto is working at a feverish pace! With five minutes remaining can he finish up?

 

MINMEI: Wow! He's smothering the meat in cocoa! 

 

FUKUI-SAN: Walnuts frying in the skillet! Glazed sugar boiling! It's almost as if he's reading the recipe right off the Internet!

 

OHTA: Minmei-san! Minmei-san! 

 

MINMEI: OHTA! GO! 

 

OHTA: http://www.visi.com/~phantos/icrecipe03.html 

Quote:

AMERICA ONLINE: WELCOME! YOU'VE GOT MAIL!

 

 

FUKUI-SAN: There's figs in this recipe...looks like there'll be no time for the figs. 

Quote:

M1NM3! R0X0RS 5276: A/S/L? R1CKHUNT3RSDF1: Lisa's going out for the weekend. Wanna have a quickie? You know the place and time. AMERICA ONLINE: Goodbye.

 

 

FUKUI-SAN: Only two minutes remaining, it's amazing, he's got it all cooked inside of three minutes!

 

MINMEI: ::Ahem:: Yes...it most certainly seems like it's all done but the arranging! 

 

HATTORI: Ancestors, please forgive me for my actions. You cannot really blame me, it's Rat!

 

BWAAAAAANG 

 

 

 

FUKUI-SAN: That's it, it's over! The long tortuous Rat Battle is over!

 

 

OHTA: Porfiria-San, how did your dishes turn out? 

 

TEXTO: Well, I just did my best. The one hour time limit is really tough, but I'm so used to working with rat that I think I did pretty well.

 

OHTA: Predicting a win then? 

 

TEXTO: Oh, most definately. [Small smile] 

 

OHTA: And what of Iron Chef Chinese's accusation that your "Baruz" meat is made from people?

 

TEXTO: How would he know?

 

 

OHTA: How did it go? 

 

MORIMOTO: Well, at first, I'll admit I was a bit horrified. I mean..rat...what kind of nutrient deficiency does Kaga have to make that the theme ingredient?

 

OHTA: We were kinda worried bout you for a while there. 

 

MORIMOTO: YEah...I shoulda have tasted it first. It's actually quite good and I regret that I smothered the flavor for the sake of what I though might be gross.

 

OHTA: So, would you say you won? 

 

MORIMOTO: I have no idea. If you're grading on how well I smothered it, then yeah. But..well...I'm just glad it's over. I need a Coke.

 

IRON CHEF 

wwwwsssssssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhhhhhwwwwwwwwwwwwp! 

 

GENRYU: Hattori, get your hand off my thigh.

 

 

The Dishes 

 

FUKUI-SAN: The Challenger, Texto Porfiria, presents for the panel four dishes. 

 

First, General Pho's Rat. Crushed vlax, garlic and sesames seeds create a sweet glaze for strips of boiled rat. A bed of grain rice counterpoints the sweetness of this dish.

 

Secondly, Rotisserie rat with Baruz, Pine Nut, Ant and Apple stuffing. The crispy skin of rat retains the rat's natral flavorings while the Baruz, Ant and apple filling give an added air of sweet crunchiness to this spiced dish. A bed of grain rice counterpoints the spicyness of this dish.

 

Next, Rat Sushi. Sticky rice cradles a small sliver or raw rat wrapped in nori expresses the taste or rat in it's most primal form. The pickled purple vlax adds a splash of color in an otherwise bland looking...er...sir, you're not allowed in the announcer's booth...um, sir...put the sword down..I...I...::ahem:: The pickled purple vlax adds a splash of color in addition to the vibrant brown and greenness of the rolls. A bed of grain rice counterpoints the stickyness of this dish.

 

Finally, Rat Sticky Buns. Marinated in sugar glaze then grilled and topped with the mysterious Creme de Jellese, Rat Sticky Bun is a hearty dessert certain to exploit the alleged sweetness of rat meat. A bed of grain rice is no where to be seen.

 

Okay, Mr. Uzbochs, you can leave the announcer's booth now. 

 

The Iron Chef attempts to inject a bit of sanity with his five l33t h4x0r dishes. 

 

Firstly, Chicken Fried Rat. A good smothering of spiced breading and heavy frying smothers the taste of rat from the pallete, while fitting squarely in your stomach. A side of mashed potatoes and green beans fills out this Southern Americana dish.

 

Secondly, Carne Raton Guisada. A heavy stew made with cumin, garlic, salt, pepper and onions masks the taste of the rat chunks within, providing a hearty dish with a side of salsa, to burn the tongue beyond it's sense to taste the rat.

 

Thirdly, Rat Tonkatsu. Finally showing a dish worthy of the name "Iron Chef Japanese." Lightly breaded breast of rat in a slight sauce will tease the senses mercilessly, pulling it's pigtails. Is it rat? Is it sauce? Thankfully seved with cabbage which will wash the mouth out if you actually DO taste the rat.

 

Forthly, Rat Vindaloo. A heavy curry dish with overwhelms the senses from tasting the rat in this dish. A side of cucumber raita further tickles the senses into telling you "Nope, no rat here!"

 

Finally, regretting his earlier decision to mask the taste of rat, we have Carmelized Rat Beef a la Kobayashi. Frumiously glazed rat beef bandersnatches this dish while gyre and gimbling to the taster's jub jub birds. A bed of grain rice counterpoints the sweetness of this dish.

 

IRON CHEF! 

shhhhhhhhhwiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiipf!

 

 

Iron Chef will return, after this Public Service Announcement: 

 

[Iron Chef Music plays triumphantly as Billy and Johnny enter a grocery store] 

 

BILLY: Wow, what a long bike ride! I'm hungry! 

 

JOHNNY: Me, too...what are you going to get? 

 

BILLY: I'm getting an apple...what about you? 

 

JOHNNY: Are you whacked? I'm getting a candy bar! 

 

IRON CHEF CHEN KENICHI: Wait a second there son! 

 

BILLY & JOHHNY: IRON CHEF CHEN KENICHI! 

 

KENICHI: You realize, Johnny, that if you get that candy bar, there's no nutirents in it! Just sugar and fat. You'll get an energy boost, but you'll feel worse when it's done!

 

KENICHI: Gallant here 

 

BILLY: Billy, sir. 

 

KENICHi: Billy here has the right idea. The apple will boost your energy AND nourish you as well!

 

JOHNNY: And now I know! 

 

KENICHI: And knowing is half the battle! 

 

ALL: YOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO CHEF! 

 

[Musical Flourish] 

o/`IRRRRRRRRRRRRRRONNNNNNNNN CHEEEEEEEEEEEEEFFFFFFFFFF!o/`

 

 

JUDGEMENT 

 

The tasters inter the arena behind Chairman Kaga. Kenju is nowhere to be seen. Genryu is sitting in front of the podium dejected.

 

KAGA: I'm sure that all of Gryrnu is poised with anticipation across the worldplates. The people of Earth are as well. Out two styles clashed in a battle that will be sung for generations to come. Alas, Kenju shall not hear our songs of praise, as he has died with a happy taste in his mouth. Unable to face his petitioners, KEnju's scores shall be stricken from out record.

 

KAGA: Now, the verdict. 

 

[Pensive Piano Solo plays] 

 

FUKUI-SAN: Anothre great, if somewhat disturbing battle today here in kitchen stadium. Challenger Profirio bringing a style from across the stars, Gryrnese cuisine focusing on rat. Iron Chef Morimoto, taking up the banner of Earth, proving himself a veritable Iron Chef International! Who takes it! Whose cuisine reigns supreme?

 

[Piano stops] 

 

KAGA: ... 

 

KAGA: ... 

 

KAGA: TETSUJIN MASAHARU MORI--- 

 

[Shwwwwwwwwwwwwwipt THHHHDDDDD!] 

 

KAGA: TEXTO PORFIRIA! 

 

FUKUI-SAN: IT'S TEXTO PORFIRIA! TEXTO WINS IT! Texto's Gryrnese cooking prevailing over the Iron Chef's multicultural dishes! And I'm sure the accidental misfiring of an armband arrow that parted Kaga's hair has nothing to do with it! The unifying force of today's horrifying theme, brought together by Challenger Texto Porfiria!

 

[CREDITS ROLL] 

 

IRON CHEF 

RAT BATTLE 

by 

Jenn Dolari 

Snow Hart 

Ikawa Aoi 

Obake Tenshi 

Lord Roberts 

Cardboard Box 

with 

Mythril 

Crowfrog 

Alfador 

Big Earl 

Wind King 

WarpZone 

 

and 

 

Jennifer Diane Reitz

 

 

 

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