UNDERSTANDING
CHRISTIANITY
By
Jennifer Diane Reitz
An
illustrated deconstruction of the
operational
tactics of the worlds
most
successful religion
Welcome
to "Understanding Christianity". What you are about to
read is not going to be well recieved by most people, I will warn you
straight up. It will probably offend many folks, to be honest.
However, it you bother to actually finish it, I am certain that you
will find that it makes sense of some things you probably already
feel, but have never dared to think about.
This
all started as I was riding past a church. They had a catchy 'word
of the day' sign out front, as many churches do. This one said
"My soul is comforted by God my Savior". Those words made
me start to think. These folks had no idea whatsoever about how their
religion actually works. Not just the cosmology, they had no idea as
to how Christianity actually functions, from a tactical point of view.
So, I suddenly had the following appear in my mind, fully formed. The setting is a metaphorical street in a symbolic city, inside a small shop, simply called "The Soul". The proprietor of the shop is Joe Everyman, and he is startled by the arrival of two very tough looking men entering his store.....
GOD:
Mmph! I don't like yur shop, chump. It's dirty.
JESUS:
Easy, boss...your scarin the nice man.
GOD: I don't tink he's so nice. I tink he's dirty too. I get real mad when I see dirt. An when I get mad, 'tings happen. Be a pity if dis shop maybe burned down...
JESUS:
Boss, let me talk to the man, OK? I think we can work sometin' out
here, ok?
MAN: My shop is not dirty! I am not dirty! (but that big guy is pretty scary...what am I to do?)
JESUS:
Easy dere, Mr. Man...I woudn't advise contradictin' the boss, savvy?
The boss is a big man around here, and you know, and I know, dat all
shops are a little dirty sometimes. It comes with the territory, if
ya know what I mean. Now I can helps ya here, I doesn't wants ya to
get hurt, see?
MAN: (This is pretty scary here) Um, I don't want to get hurt either. What...gulp...am I supposed to do....Mr....?
JESUS:
Names 'Jesus'. Now listen, if we don't do somptin' my boss is
feelin' real mean today, and well, bad stuff could happen...like your
shop burnin' down, and we don't want that do we? Let me be your pal,
and I think we can, you know, kinda sort this all out...
MAN: B-b-burning down? Oh I wouldn't like that at all. (Gulp!) What do you think we can do? Your boss is looking angrier every second!
JESUS:
The boss is VERY mysterious, Pal. An' he's real tough, as you can
see. You never know what he might do. But he's OK, once ya get to
know him...he's REAL nice to his pals, fer instance. But anyone
else...oooh...I don't wanna think about it...
MAN: You know, I.....
GOD:
Hey...I'm feelin real cold in here...maybe a little fire would help
warm up this stinkin' joint...
JESUS: UH OH.... it seems dat my boss REALLY doesn't like you. Dis is real bad, I won't lie to you Mr. Man, real bad...
MAN: Oh boy, oh boy.....what am I going to do....oh boy....
JESUS:
Settle down, there pally....I thinks I can help you. Tell you
what... you and I is pals, right? Since we is pals, an' all, I want
to help you out here. I could probably be persuaded to put in a Good
Word for you wif da boss...if ya catch my drift...
Man: W-What do you want from me?
JESUS:
Nothin' much...I jus' want a little respect..dat's all. Just a
little respect. Maybe if you was to spend a day hangin' out at my
joint, workin' a little for me and the boss. Maybe drop a few
bucks in the box there, show a little respect...you could do it on
sunday, on yur day off, even. You do that, and I am certain I can
gets you in REAL good wif da boss! Nothin needs ta' burn down, neither!
MAN: Really? You'd do that for me?
Jesus: SUUUURE, pally! We're buds, remember? Oh...deres a few more things I'd like yas to do, they aint much...jus' spread the word around that the boss is the Man, and that I can help in dealin with him. I'm jus' here to help. An' maybe, if you does a GOOD job, I can makes it so the boss really likes you...he might even invite you to his fancy pleasure mansion an' everything!
MAN: Wooo...thanks Jesus, I was really scared there. Sure, I'll do what you say... Wow! A pleeasure mansion! When do I get to go to the mansion, Jesus?
JESUS:
Slow down there, Pally! LATER! You get's to go to the bosses mansion
later.....much later....but ONLY if youse does good by me, unnerstand?
MAN: OK, OK...sorry....the mansion sounded pretty cool. How long until 'later' comes?
JESUS: Like I said, L-A-T-E-R. In the mean time, I suggests you works hard for me and the boss, and be careful not to mess up....yur already in trouble, remember dat!
MAN: (Gulp!) R-Right....I'll watch it. You can count on me. I'll make up for everything, I promise!
JESUS: You better, sport. Be seein' ya!
GOD:
Awrite....wha's next on da itinerary...?
JESUS: There's a whole row of shops to visit here, boss! A whole bunch!
"What profit has not that fable of Christ brought us!" -Pope Leo X